you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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