do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
