Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
