ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
