I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
