If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
