Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
