I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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