9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
