my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
