hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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