We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
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