Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
