Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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