I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
