I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
