So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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