That's when you crack a 10am beer
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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