Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
