I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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