I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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