Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
