And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
