whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
