you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
