can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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