Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
