when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i drank out of a bidet.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
