Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
did i walk over a car last night?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
