Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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