you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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