He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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