if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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