I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
