Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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