just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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