please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
