i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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