Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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