3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
