We're facebook friends in real life
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
