so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
