you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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