break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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