I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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