You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
