Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
