We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
