Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
