I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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