im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize