I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
