I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
tell me about the eggs
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
