Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
