How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
