You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
