just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
