Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
