I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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