i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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